Great Dads on TV

Dad's on TV keep changing. I can't speak much for what came before my time but I can say it has been dismal for a while. Pop-culture dads were showing up bafoonish, in the form of Homer Simpson and wannabes or weren't even existant at all. To be fair, real dads are and should be silly at times but I think the lack of good role models made it easy for us to let ourselves off the hook. Really, this father image was just an extension of the acceptable male image of the time. What happens when the dumb, milquetoast, codependent guy finally becomes a dad? To be fair, I don't watch many different shows anymore, so this list might be a very small percentage. Even then it's a start.

I'm fairly tired of watching gritty cop shows or gritty hospital dramas so that limits me quite a bit right there. However, one of the dads that seems decent on TV is from Criminal Minds (which I try not to watch but sometime you get stuck in the marathons). Aaron Hotchner, played by Thomas Gibson, has had many touching moments and many difficult moments in dealing with raising his son. All the serial killer who killed his ex-wife stuff aside his role as a father has been written and played well. Making a living and being a father can be a difficult thing to find balance it and that is important to show. He is a fairly cold seeming person, who has a warm relationship with his son.

Getting away from gritty cop shows that will keep you up at night worrying about the depravity of humanity, let's go to a humorous cop show - Castle. This show is formulaic in every way shape and form. However Rick Castle, played by Malcom Reynolds Nathan Fillion, is a good father. In fact the show often has his parenting dilemma a background story to the main murder investigation. Sometimes his case helps him parent better, sometimes it is the other way around. Yes, Castle can often times be juvenile but he, like all of us, still has an inner child that likes to play. This is good to show. Being a dad doesn't mean you can't have some fun.

Moving on from a silly show to another silly show, with serious overtones. I bring you Glee. I swear, all that singing out of nowhere happened at my school, okay maybe not. But it could have. The right people were there. I'm sorry where was I? Oh yeah, great fathers. This show has one of the best. Burt Hummel, played by Mike O'Malley,is the dad every outcast wants (and hey we all feel like an outcast now and then). His son, Kurt (I know, Kurt and Burt - the names are interesting in this show), is gay and deals with many things a gay son would deal with. As a heterosexual father he deals with them all magnifiscently. I can think of many great scenes where I thought to myself, wow what a great dad.

Some that stick out: 
• Telling his girlfriend's son, Finn, he can't live there after Finn starts talking about all Kurt's Faggy stuff. He had just invited them to live with him and this would probably ruin his new relationship
• Having a talk with his son about sex. How hard is this when both parties are heterosexual? He still does what he knows he needs to do for his son.

Basically, Dads are becoming important in pop culture again. Sure, some are still absent and some are still jokes but now some are stepping up to the plate. They aren't just showing up to the game and sitting on the bench. This is a good sign that the collective unconscious knows good dads are great characters. Here's to all the good dad's out there who show their great character every day they take the time to parent.

Constructive Competition

One of my sons seems to have a strong urge to win at everything. He finds it extremely important.  To better perform my duties as his father I have had to look at my own beliefs about competition and the importance of winning.

Winning Isn't Everything ( Loser Talk )

I've heard this statement so many times and at times I've believed it. Of course, that's just loser talk or so I've heard. So what, if any truth are in each of these statements? If the statement "winning isn't everything" is wrong then winning is everything. On the other hand, some people who say, "winning isn't everything" really mean "winning means nothing." I'm not a big fan of absolutes so by that simple analysis alone I'm already leaning toward winning not being everything and against either extreme.

Destructive Competition

A big part of the reason why people don't like the focus on winning is the way it has been perverted in modern society. Professional sports and business are filled with people whose identities are wrapped up in whether or not they are a winner. Recently #winning became a meme on twitter for this very reason. What happens when these people lose? This is when those people get destructive. Sometimes the destruction goes internal but other times they begin to wreak havoc on those around them. It even goes as far as destroying the very thing you are competing in - most often through cheating.

Think about what steroids have done to professional sports. Sure, some people don't really care but other people think everyone is doing steroids and thus have  less respect for all the athletes. In the world of business we've seen major cheating over the past few years that has people mistrust all businesses and business leaders. Politics, an area that started out as people trying to make a difference for their communities, has had so much lying and and other deceits that politicians try to label themselves as anything but.

Constructive Competition - is it possible?

I seem to have made a case against competition as positive while also making the case that winning is everything. Now, if winning isn't everything, let's see what else is there? The most simple answer is that there is losing. Winning IS NOT everything because there is losing and there is something to be gained from losing. Of course there is only something to be gained from losing if you actually try to win.

If you are playing a sport and you always win, you aren't challenging yourself. You aren't likely to improve. In fact, in the grand scheme of things you are losing. I've written before that failure is the best option. People with the biggest wins have a history filled with losses. Losses they learned from so that they could win, cleanly, in sports, games, business and beyond.

Competition is always with yourself

The fact that sports, business and other things are set up so that you appear to be competing with others is just an illusion. In competition you are always just competing with yourself. If you are always winning because you are playing people who aren't better than you then, by not improving, you have actually lost the real competition with yourself. If, on the other hand, you are losing because you are playing opponents who are better than you but you do your best to try to win you will improve yourself and thus win in the long run.

What does winning look like?

So if you can lose and still win, how do you know if you are actually trying to win? Simple really and winners already have a good idea.

• Research - You might be losing because you don't understand what game you are playing. We live in a world full of information. Free videos on youtube, wikipedia and blogs with much more specific information than mine. Look into better ways to play the game you are playing, you might be surprised at how quickly you improve.
• Reflection - Do you record your game? Video, audio and good old remembering your mistakes are great tools for self improvement. Your reflections after you compete can give you very specific information about your own habits and how you can improve.
• Preparation - Out of shape? Are you running, swimming or hitting the gym? Do you know your opponent? Knowing your opponent is clearly an opportunity to gain the upper hand in competition.
• Anything else? - Do you see anything else that means you are trying to win? Do you have more specifics about my previous examples.

Thank your opponent

GG, good game, thank you. Your opponent, by trying to win themselves, is helping you to improve. Make sure you appreciate that. You might have to be a badass on the field but once the game is over ( or whenever else you have the chance ) make sure you show your appreciation for how hard they made you work. They might be more of a destructive competitor but that doesn't matter. Their hard work has given you the best opportunity to improve. By the way, your hard work does the same for them whether you realize it or not.

So competition can be constructive if you turn it inward and don't wrap your identity around winning. Appreciate your opponents and yourself. You both work hard in an attempt to win. I'm still doing my best to get this concept through to my son. He's just giving me the best opportunity to improve my skills as a father.

Earth Father - awakening my sacred masculine

The 9th metaphor in the book The Hidden Spiruality of Men - Ten Metaphors to Awaken the Sacred Masculine is titled earth father. For me my journey into men's studies and down the spiritual path of the sacred masculine comes from asking questions about being a father. In my first post on numinous masculine sexuality I discussed how sexuality and questioning how to raise 2 boys to not be ashamed of sex like I was (and still am somewhat) was a major catalyst for this exploration. Between my first steps, in the book Fire in The Belly and currently these Wednesday Warrior posts I focused on much more of what it means to be masculine and that has guided me quite well on my fatherhood journey.

Earth Father - sacred masculine central

Fatherhood is central to the sacred masculine. From this book alone you can see how it is linked to each of the other 9 metaphors:

• Father Sky - Also a father metaphor, father sky is more distant than the Earth Father. One must not forget the importance of solitude and space in masculinity/fatherhood which Father Sky provides.
• The Green Man - This one is linked as another earth metaphor. Earth Father is grounded, much like the Green Man. Being a good steward of our planet is a great way to provide for our children and our children's children.
• Icarus and Daedalus - Another father metaphor, or a rather a parable to learn from. Fathers must not only be willing to teach their children, but learn from them as well.
• Hunter-Gatherers - In modern society this is hard to see. Where are the rites of passage from boyhood to manhood ? How can we as men create the important psychological and spiritual aspects of these for our children?
• Spiritual Warriors - As a father, what do we fight for? What do we value? We reap what we sow in regards to the Spiritual Warrior's connection to the Earth Father. We must lead by example.
• Masculine Sexuality, Numinous Sexuality - I do not want my sons to learn that sex = shame. I want them to be powerful individuals in all aspects of their lives.
• Our Cosmic and Animal Bodies - As fathers how do we take care of our bodies? Our children's? Once again, leading by example has us teach our children respect for themselves.
• The Blue Man - In all the trials and tribulations of fathering, there must be compassion, there must be a loving heart.
• Grandfather Sky:The Grandfatherly Heart - The father begets the grandfather, 'nuff said :)

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Earth Father - not just for fathers

While the earth father and fathering are central to the sacred masculine they do not refer only to literal fatherhood. Literal fatherhood is just the most obvious place to access it. In a post ( or two ) on my old blog I discussed Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid. No one would say that there is not an earth father being portrayed in those films and yet he is not a literal father. A powerful force, the mentor. The mentor spreads earth father energy out into the community. Perhaps you have a memory of a teacher that became your mentor at one point. They are out there and you can be one too. It doesn't take much but time and caring, but mostly caring.

Paternal energy doesn't stop with men either. The earth father's paternal energy can be tapped into by women ( and is ) in the same way that men can tap into the earth mother's maternal energy. A literal father and literal mother both tap into paternal and maternal energies, it takes both to raise a child.

Being a stand for the community

The Earth Father takes a look at the world he is leaving for his children, and his children's children, and strives to make it the best he can make it for them. To do this he must stand for his community and in his community. Helping others and helping the environment are the keys. For a while I've been wondering if I could find a mens group in my area. Recently I've actually thought about the possibility of actually being the one to create a mens group in my area for this very reason. By being a stand for those around us to be great, we get to live in greatness.

These are of course my take on earth father energies. I'd love to hear others. Perhaps you aren't a literal father and have a take on it. Maybe you are a grandfather who has reach the next level of fatherhood. Maybe you are a woman reading this and care to share with us your perspective. Whatever your view I'd love to hear it in the comments. Of course, keep in mind that I barely touch the topic and this is a great book to read yourself as you will most likely get something else out of it than I.

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Awakening My Sacred Masculine - Icarus and Daedalus

This post is about the 3rd metaphor and follow up to my post about The Hidden Spirituality of Men - Ten Metaphors to Awaken the Sacred Masculine.  In that original post I said I would share my journey of reading this book.  This is another part of that journey. Icarus and Daedalus

The metaphor of Icarus and Daedalus is actually more of an anti-metaphor.  Instead of being a vision of what could be the story of Icarus and Daedalus is a lesson of what happens when sons don't  learn from a father's wisdom and a father doesn't pay enough attention to his son to understand him.  I'm simplifying of course but this lesson, this anti-metaphor is about the importance of generational wisdom.  The fathers have wisdom to teach the youth but they must also learn from the youth while letting the youth fly.

I find that learning from my young boys is easy, or rather watching them learn is.  It is amazing.  However, I often find myself stuck in my own world - my own issues - and I don't take the time to be with my kids and enjoy how they experience the world.  On the flip side, I am also someone's child as well.  I didn't see my father much growing up and I still don't see much of him.  I know that I have been on a search for some generational knowledge for a long time though.  My love of the French language and culture comes from the bit of my heritage that is easy to see - a French last name.  However there is another area of heritage from my father's side that I don't know much about.  It is the part of me that is a 1/4 native.

This metaphor actually holds a little bit of pain for me.  On the one side, I don't really know much about my heritage from my father's side.  I've dug a few things up here and there but my dad isn't much of a talker.  On the other side I'm afraid I'm becoming a non-talker for my sons as well.  When I come home from work I usually need a good amount of depressurizing before I can really focus on the family. I know from some of my other men's studies journeys that I am not alone in this though. In fact, that is probably why this metaphor came up as an anti-metaphor lesson.  It is easy to be Daedalus, but what are we going to do to give our Icarus the means to fly without melting his wings and falling into the sea.

I have had some small successes.  There have been some times since reading this chapter where I was aware enough to consciously choose to be with my kids and have a good time.  The other day my son had a birthday and one thing he got was a lego set.  He's had the the larger versions of lego in the past but this was his first actual lego set.  He was excited and started to work on them by himself but he asked me if I would help him.  I  told him, "maybe in a few minutes" then went downstairs.  I thought about how I liked legos when I was a kid but was never any good at them.  I knew I could do much better now and that the reason I wasn't that great growing up was I didn't have anyone helping me learn how to use them.  So I went upstairs and played lego with my son.  We had fun and he did a great job following the directions with only a little assistance from dear old dad.  I was very proud of him.

He has since kept going back to the lego set to build other things when he wants to do something by himself and he is very patient with them.  Anyone who has a 6 year old knows that having patience with anything is a big deal.  This metaphor may have some spiritual pain associated with it but it may also have one of the largest payoffs.

Sick Kids and Christmas

My wife and I figured out last night that we haven't had one Christmas season go by since our oldest son was born where we didn't have to deal with sick kids. Specifically, sick kids who require antibiotics and are not sleeping through the night because of the sickness. Meaning we don't sleep through the night because of their sickness. This explains why I've had a tough time enjoying the holiday season that last 5 years. Oh well, hopefully I'll start sleeping better next year. At least only one person in the house is sick right now :)

Whoever coined the term sleeping like a baby must have been misquoted.

Fathers' Day

To all the men who take the time to be a male role model for a child - Happy Fathers' Day.

As a son I know how much it means to have all the special times with your father.

As a father I know how much it gives you, and how much it takes, to provide those special times.