Recent Readings 10th of November, 2023 (#2)

In this, my second Recent Readings, post I got a bit overwhelmed with articles as I streamlined how I was taking articles in. This meant, I had to get even more organized and thankfully some of my articles were about learning and Personal Knowledge Management (PKM). Long story short, I've now got a backlog of articles on various topic. I'm ready for my brain to overheat from learning so much, rather than just ADHD related causes ;)

Articles

Tech Related

• The clouds can't afford to forget developers - Much of the focus on marketing cloud tech is done toward enterprises and their executives. This is for a good reason, that's where the money and decision makers are. With the rush to incorporate AI, even more so. At the end of the day, it is the developers who have to make all of this work and they will be the ones deciding which platform they use when designing systems.
• Virtual meetings tire people because we're doing them wrong, says new research - Virtual meetings tire people out, this isn't new information. As someone who does virtual meetings everyday because I'm not in the same city as the rest of my team, I know virtual meetings can be just as engaging as in person. Take a look at some actual studies to show when people were more or less engaged and maybe you can improve your time in virtual meetings.
• Where are all the laid-off software developers going? - 2023 has been a tough year for tech when it comes to layoffs. However, this doesn't mean developers have nowhere to go. So, whether you are developer or a non-tech business executive, take a look at the new opportunities that may not have been on your radar.
• Why I think GCP is better than AWS - As a Developer Advocate for Google Cloud and someone who worked (not in cloud) at Amazon for 6 years, I definitely have my own opinions and biases. Those thoughts aside, here is someone who has developed on both platforms and breaks down the pros and cons of each. This reminds of a Macho Man flavored skit I have always wanted to do in a video about different cloud platforms.

Non-Tech Related

• Why Quantity Matters So Much More Than Quality - We live in a world where Failure Is Not An Option but really that type of thinking often keeps us from improving. In truth Failure is the BEST optionif we want to learn and grow. Also something my ADHD brain needs to remember when perfection paralysis rears its ugly head.
• New Insights Into Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria - When it comes to ADHD and its effect on people, RSD seems to be the most universal experience. But what is it and how can we approach it to improve our quality of life.
• How to Live a Happy Life, From a Leading Atheist - When metaphor and parable aren't enough of an explanation, where do you find meaning? More important, where do you find happiness? Well, the human experience allows for great wonder and perhaps there will still be metaphors of your own, just don't get mired in them.
• How to Escape the PKM Trap of Sophisticated Procrastination - This has been my past week. How do I organize all my new articles, quotes and other bits of knowledge and not get bogged down by trying to make it perfectly organized. Well, I can remember the other article, and I can read this as well.
• How to Make Yourself Into a Learning Machine - I've been interested in PKM and how I can use it to help myself learn for a while now. Bullet Journals and Second Brains have helped but I'm still looking for my personal path. One's personal path to anything can come from the experience of others, and this description of Simon Eskildsen's methods along with his story have some great things to try.

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Until next time fellow internet traveler, stay curious.

My 'Journal' Entry

Here I am, with less than a week until my first performance in a long form improvisational comedy show. The show I'm in is called The Journal and parodies the tragic romances of Nicholas Sparks. I've had a weird experience with this show so I thought I would share it.

Warning: Logic does not apply

My experience with The Journal is based in my subconscious and the inner workings of my brain working against me. It is easy to apply logic and wonder why I had any issues. Shush! Logic does not apply here! Though it did finally lead me to the proper solution I was not being conscious of the way my emotions were leading me around.

Finding out about The Journal

Since moving back to Seattle I had decided to really focus on performing improv, rather than just taking classes, a reality. This led me to auditioning for Jet City Improv and ComedySportz Seattle. I had a lot of fun at the auditions but I didn't even make callbacks for either. I talked a positive game afterward but, especially for ComedySportz Seattle I felt really bummed. I learned my improv chops through ComedySportz San Jose and really wanted to be a part of it here in Seattle.

Near the end of my Long Form Essentials class that I was taking through Jet City Improv, our teacher Mandy, sent out an email telling us all about upcoming auditions for The Journal. Also, she sent me a follow up email telling me that she put in a good word about me with the producer. This made me feel good because I think she is an awesome improviser who's style I'd like to emulate in many ways. So I was riding high knowing I had made an impression with someone who I respect. That is, I was riding high until auditions.

Auditions

For Jet City Improv and ComedySportz Seattle auditions I felt that I had done pretty good. I had a feeling I wouldn't make the cut but I still felt I had done well overall. For the first audition to The Journal I had actually studied Nicholas Sparks movies and even watched The Notebook right before the audition. It seemed like a more serious piece so I was doing the serious thing of studying (something I never did much before). After the first audition I went home thinking I was in over my head. I felt some of the other improvisers did much better at long form theatrical improv and I had no chance.

To my surprise, I got called back! That good word from Mandy must've paid off, either that or they could tell, and appreciated, that I had recently watched The Notebook. In my mind, "Thank You Mandy!" There was no way I had made the difference there. I was there and I felt I had done a really poor job.

NOTE: Logic doesn't really pertain here, as I said above, but logic says that when you do an audition you have no idea what the people running the auditions are looking for so do your best and then don't worry about it

At the callbacks I realized only 1 or 2 others got called back and the rest of the people there knew each other from Seattle Experimental Theater's (SET) previous show Where No Man Has Gone Before. I had an inkling of feeling special but then I saw the people work together who knew each other. They were really connected with each other and were funny without even trying. I left that audition feeling worse about my performance than the last time, but hey - at least I made it to callbacks this time.

NOTE: If you've never done improv, you may not know that knowing your fellow improvisers helps so, so much.

Funny thing about how I felt about my performance, it didn't matter. They offered me a part in the show! Thanks again Mandy! I obviously had nothing to do with it.

First Rehearsals

So off to rehearsals I went and this is when stuff really got weird for me. I didn't act like my improv self at all. I'll explain by going back in time to my educations at ComedySportz San Jose. I once asked my improv teacher Michael, what he thought I needed to work on to be a better improviser. For the most part, he said I had good instincts and I was never afraid to jump on stage first and try out an idea. The main thing he said I should work on is letting others take the spotlight and learn how to add to their ideas. Jumping back to rehearsals for The Journal, I was definitely attempting to practice giving others the spotlight but now I was timid and afraid of my ideas.

Things all came to a head one day when I was called in early by myself to work on my breathing while talking. Before I got there I was walking with the producer and explaining to her how I was getting something out of being in The Journal because I usually just jump on to stage and don't do as much support. Her responses, "I really don't see that from you". Also, I did the breathing exercises with the Stage Manager and she realized that I was having the problems when I was second guessing myself. A mini lightbulb went off in my head at that point but I was still timid for the rest of that rehearsal. It was later that evening that I did some brooding (my form of soul searching I think) and came to some powerful realizations.

The realizations

The first thing I realized was that I put a lot of pressure on myself because I didn't want to let down Mandy who had stood up for my talents. I felt that if I did poorly, I wouldn't just let her down but make her lose credibility as well.

It was then that I remembered something she said in class that I never thought I would need to do myself. She said that when she performs she actually gives herself permission to mess up. I took it a step further and decided to take a bigger risk and have since been saying to myself, "I give myself permission to fuck things up!" Funny thing about improv when you trust your fellow improvisers on stage, you can not break a scene no matter how hard you try.

I also realized something I have been hinting at a bit in this article, I was not giving myself enough credit. The rest of the cast were pretty much set before auditions even happened as they all knew each other from before. However, they asked me to join them and be a part of their show. They had other talented people try out but they chose me. Whatever the reason, they felt I would be an asset to the show and yet there I was acting like I didn't deserve to be there. No more! I bring a certain energy to the table.

Finally, looking back at my previous auditions for Jet City Improv and ComedySportz Seattle I realized that I hadn't given myself explicit permission to make any mistakes. Perhaps next time I audition for either I will give myself that permission and see if it helps. I may not make it (there are some amazing improvisers in Seattle) but at least I'll feel that I put it all out there at an audition.

Now on to the show

I've only had a few rehearsals since the revelations, but I have felt so much better about each of them. The first day I was still a bit timid but I kept reminding myself that I give myself permission to fuck things up. Not only have I felt that I have performed better, but I have had more fun and been more connected with the rest of the cast. I'm not completely over the illogical self deprecating thoughts that are in my head, but by being conscious of them I can make choices without listening to them.

Only 2 more rehearsals until a dress rehearsal in front of an audience and then it is opening night. We've got 4 shows and I can't wait to see what the audience brings each time. I know we are going to do great with whatever we are given.

Conclusion

I was thinking of holding off writing this until after the show, but I don't see why I should. I can't break the show, there are too many talented people working on it. I just hope that some other entertainer will read these words and get some insight for themselves. At the minimum, I will read it some day in the future and be reminded that I have permission to be bold.

What are we doing?

With this past week's tragedy in Aurora, CO there are lots of different discussions about guns. Some people are saying we should implement gun control while others are saying that if more people in the theater had weapons to defend themselves there would have been less loss of life. Opinions are rampant, facts and data are elusive, so I won't be discussing that. Actually, what concerns me more and more every time I see this sort of thing is, "What are we doing that has our young men turning into mass murderers?"

That is the uncomfortable question. With a tragedy where one person causes all the carnage, it is easy to point the blame at that individual and wipe our hands of it. If this only happened once a generation, perhaps that would be okay. However, this type of lone gunman with no logical reason event seems to be happening more often (please correct me if my emotional numbers don't match the real numbers) than before. In fact, this current tragedy bookends with the much earlier Columbine shootings in the same area. It's about time we look at ourselves, as individuals, as communities and as a society at large about what our responsibility in these events is.

Responsibility (not blame)

Notice I said responsibility and not blame. People often collapse these two terms together and have them mean the same thing. For the purposes of this article I want to distinguish that blame is allocation of fault while responsibility is being cause in the matter. Our responsibility in these tragedies should be to learn from them and find out why they happened. Is it guns? Is it mental health care? Is it bullying? Is it parenting? Is it video games? Is it the fact that the air is thinner in Colorado? It is easy to get defensive when these questions get asked, who wants to be at fault for any of this? That is why I bring up responsibility, you may not want to be at fault but hopefully you want to be able to make a difference. By seeing where you (and I am using the plural you that English lacks along with the singular you) were cause in the matter you have the opportunity to make a difference in the future.

Conclusion

For myself I see a certain disconnectedness with the rest of the people around me. I ride the bus at all manners of the night and day. I see lots of lonely, lots of crazy, lots of belligerent and I tend to ignore it with the hope that it will just go away. It seems to when they get off the bus, or when I do, but it didn't go away it just moved to another place. I don't know how I should react or what I should do but perhaps me being conscious of the connectedness of all these people in our lives could start me down the path. Heck, it might even make a difference with one person. I'd probably never know but perhaps I don't need to. Perhaps that's another way I'm responsible, only taking actions when I know the results rather than having a little faith in the difference I can make. It's a thought I'll keep pondering.

What are your thoughts? Have you seen other discussions about the tough questions we should be asking ourselves after these tragedies? Let me know about them in the comments.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PivWY9wn5ps&w=480&h=360]

This Warrior's Troubled Journey

As I begin writing in my blog again I realize there has, for a long time, been a large hole in the middle of the week. My Wednesday Warrior posts have been lacking greatly. In 2010 only 3 posts were under this category and I have a feeling I know why. In an effort to change the direction of these powerful posts I would like to share the reasons I used to keep myself from writing what are usually such intimate posts.

Rough Waters In The Job Market

I had a successful 2010. I increased my value as well as finally moving into games programming and back to the west coast. However with that came great turmoil. January of 2010 saw me move my family from Wilmington to Chapel Hill, NC to work in Social Game development. That company got bought by Playdom in March and Playdom got bought by Disney in August. While my job survived the acquisition by Playdom it only lasted a few months after the acquisition by Disney. I was able to take the opportunity to find a new job on the other side of the country working with Gaia Interactive. Its a great gig and all has ended up well. So why did this stop me?

First on the list is me just trying to manage it all - and with a positive outlook. Writing these posts tend to bring buried emotions to the surface. This is usually a good thing. During this time I just didn't want to face those emotions. Second on the list is guilt. Everything continued to work out fine for me and other people are completely out of work and not having the luck I did. What did I have to complain about?

The truth is I am in the same bucket as everyone else right now. Worried about the security of my job. How stable is it? What will it mean if I lose my job? That meaning got even stronger with the other big storm that came through my life last year - health issues.

Health and the Family

My wife and I had been through a lot financially, and we've made ends meet with very little as we've had to. The job thing wouldn't have worried us as much if it weren't for the bombshell that dropped in May. Our 4 year old got diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. All the sudden having stable, good health insurance became an all encompassing worry that hit me hard.

Context: Parenting with Type 1 Diabetes

I'm guessing people reading this don't know much about dealing with type 1 diabetes, because I didn't until I HAD TO. My wife and I have to check his blood sugar several ( read 5-7 or more if things are wacky ) times a day. This includes the multiple times in the middle of the night because we don't want him to run high all night and do long term damage or worse have him go really low and not wake up in the morning. We manage his blood sugar through injections of insulin ( we now have an insulin pump thank goodness ) throughout the day. There are no days off for this. This is our Monday through Saturday, weekends and holidays too. Traveling? We must remember the diabetes supplies, emergency glucagon injection, drinks and snacks to get the blood sugar up if need be. Of course we need to remember the stuff other parents have to remember too. [End Rant]

So I went along and I was coping, or so I thought. I was now running on similar sleep to when the kids were first born fairly consistently and I was getting worried about the stability of my studio so I was looking into other options. I guess the worry of this came crashing down on me one night when I had my first ever anxiety attack ( I thought it was more dire ) and went to the emergency room in the middle of the night.

It turns out my all the tests showed I was perfectly healthy except for one thing they wanted me to get checked out with my doctor, low blood platelets. Long story shortened, I ended up seeing a hematologist because this wasn't an errant reading. Normal range for platelets is between 150K and 400K and at one point while measured I was as low as 12K. The danger of low platelets is that your blood doesn't clot so you end up losing a lot of blood - especially if you have internal bleeding that you don't know about. Luckily I had decent health insurance with Playdom and it payed for the majority of a very expensive set of infusions ( well one is still outstanding but it should be covered ) that put me back in the normal range just before I got a new job and moved across country.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

In December of 2010 I knew my position at Playdom was going away and rather than get moved into a different position with the uncertainties of how long that would last I did something crazy and took a job in San Jose, CA working with Gaia Interactive. I started the week before New years. I can say this, the change has been really good. I love the job and I'm already loving the area but moving is a huge burden I don't want to do for a long time. Remember those health problems I spoke of? Well, it took some time to get records sent and new doctors set up for the family. I'm still having problems getting the hospital to send my records to a new hematologist so I can make sure my blood platelets are doing well - we think they sent my son's records instead. Getting my oldest in school took quite some time because of the doctors issues and California has some requirements that North Carolina didn't. I spent the first month splitting my time between work ( learning the code base mostly ) and finding a house for us to rent. My wife was still in NC so I was looking without her and relaying as much info, pictures and video as I could. That was very worrisome, especially as our move date got closer, but in the end it looks like we found an amazing house with a great people as landlords. As you can imagine, there was much more to the move than these things but those are the ones that stick in my mind as the big stressors.

2011 and beyond

Now that I am settled ( mostly ), what is the plan for the future. Well, that will come out through future Wednesday Warrior posts. The point is, with the air cleared, I am ready to create in the warrior space again. I hope this post will help other warriors see that the path is not an easy one but if you live your life through love and commitment your inner warrior has the strength to see thing through.

I have already begun some personal quests for my inner warrior and I will sharing those in upcoming posts. Also, my new home has centralized me to some great sanctuaries for personal growth. I will share those as well.

Do you have a rough journey you have been or are currently on? I'd love to hear about it. Post it in the comments or post a link to your own post in the comments below. Until then, stay strong and love on.

Awakening My Sacred Masculine - The Hunter Gatherer

The fourth metaphor to look into during my journey to awaken my sacred masculine and find the hidden spirituality of men is the Hunter Gatherer. Writing about this metaphor was tough for me because I didn't think I had anything to write. These personal journeys centered around men's studies never go like that. There is always something that comes up. I had to completely reread the chapter and be conscious of any time I read a section and have no idea what I read. Sometimes this happens because I'm distracted, but it also happens when I'm confronted by what it says. Sometimes I'm just still pondering a previous topic and wasn't yet ready to take in new information.  There is a ton to cover in this section now, so the format is different than other articles.

The Hunter Gatherer

As far as we can determine, almost all of human existence consists of humans being hunter gatherers. Only recently, historically speaking, have we changed to farming for sustenance. Even more recent is how much of our lives hide the fact that farming goes on at all.  We've move from being hunters and gatherers who must search to our food; to farmers, who are still connected to where our food comes from; to now having no idea where our food even comes from. The hunter gatherer metaphor isn't just about food though, it is about cultural difference. While it is easy to see what we have gained, there is quite a bit that we have lost.

Joy & Shame

The power of ancient tribal culture can be summed up in 2 words - joy and shame. These two things represent both, what we have lost and what we (unconsciously) carry with us from our cultural past. Both are hard wired into our masculine beings and acknowledgement of this fact is the path to understanding.  By acknowledging that shame, right or wrong, guides our lives powerfully and that enjoying ancient rituals (sometimes in new ways) is worthwhile we can make some powerful choices about who we will be. [ad#Google Adsense] Ancient rituals which center around drums, dancing and storytelling are quite easily pushed aside in civilized society. Drums are loud and annoy people, dancing makes you look like an idiot and stories need to be chopped down into bite size pieces because no one has the time to pay attention anymore. Drums are representative of rhythm. The first sound we hear is the sound of our mothers' heart, but then the noise of the world drowns out that beat. The noise of the world hasn't always been there and rhythm is our way of connecting with nature. We do this through music we love, through music we make and if we listen closely we might even hear the rhythms of life itself. Dancing is an extension of this connection. Using rhythm & dance we are connecting our cosmic bodies with our green man and mother earth. Ancient rituals of rhythm and dance were used, not only to create this connection but to tell stories.  Stories told in this way were used to pass on generational wisdom before the invention of writing.

The joy of listening is a lost art. My favorite movie - Strictly Ballroom - has a line, "Listen to the rhythm, don't be scared" that always hits home for me. This movie is especially about civilized dancing limiting a person's self expression - I highly recommend it. Listening to the world and people around us is probably the most powerful way for us to move forward as a species. How can we experience joy, though, if we feel shameful of this enjoyment?

Shame, I think that word pretty much wraps up the entirety being male. How constantly it seems to come up for me and as I read my mens' studies books, how often it comes up for others as well. Is it hard wired from our ancient heritage? In hunter gatherer societies when someone broke the laws of the tribe they weren't imprisoned, they were cast out. Without the protection and camaraderie of your fellow tribesmen life would be exceedingly tough, if you survived at all. This is how shame has become hard wired in our present day selves.

Shame is the experience of not belonging, secondary shame is the feeling of not belonging. In our present day culture it is so easy to evoke these feeling but we must be aware of the distinction between feeling and experiencing. It is minor, but it makes a big difference that will be clear as we discuss the shadow energies that show up with hunter gatherer energy in today's world. The distinction also shows up positive ways as well. One obvious, yet not very prevalent, example is in modern day spiritual warriors.

"...is it not true that authentic prophets risk shame? They too risk being expelled from the community, literally or figuratively..."

Hunter Gatherers today

All of this theory is great but how does it affect modern man? Where does it show up powerfully? What are the dangers to look out for? Hard wired tendencies can be used against us if we aren't paying attention.  So I'm going to share my thoughts on the breakdowns from the book.

The Hunt for a Mate

The hunt for a mate is ingrained in us very clearly. Take a look yourself, it is not hard to see.  The planning, the searching, the tactics, the stories of the one that got away - its all there. It is more than just the animalistic side of hunting though. There is also the creativity and observation of the hunt that comes into play. We must pay attention to our prospective mates in order to learn what works and what doesn't. Our creativity comes out in all the new things we try and ultimately in the person we create ourselves as to woo the other.

the lover is not content with superficial knowledge of the beloved, but strives for intimate discovery and even entering into the beloved -Thomas Aquinas

There is a whole metaphor on sexuality and a whole section, which I have yet to read, on sacred marriages of the masculine and feminine so we will most likely touch on this in later posts. [ad#Google Adsense]

The Quest for Scientific Understanding and Truth

Science is an art. It is inexact and precise at the same time. Science is a journey with no end, only markers along the way. This is a surprisingly spiritual focal point of modern hunter gatherer energy. That is, if we approach it as such. Science is about understanding and scientists are constantly hunting for better understanding the truths of our universe. They gather evidence of these truths through experimentation. What are we using science for? Are we solving the great mysteries and great problems of our time with science? Science allows us the ability, if we let it, to connect with father sky and our green man. It also has the ability for us to connect with the shadow energies that go along with many of these powerful metaphors. How will we, as men, use this hunting and gathering tool?

Journalism: The Hunt for the True Story

All I could think about when I read this section was (The Daily Show with) Jon Stewart. His constant gripe is with how the news is currently being covered. In many cases it isn't being covered anymore, it is being created through hype. Before news organizations realized they could make money on their news programs it was more about hunting the story to let people know what was happening. There are still people hunting the true story out there. The internet has given reporters of all levels the ability to distribute news to the masses. You do have to wade through the entertainment and opinion news that is so easy to get caught up in, but it is there. The biggest thing we can do when we listen to, watch or read the news is separate what happened from any story about what happened. The story always gets in the way of real news, but that story does bring in watchers, readers, listeners and that sells ad time/space. Please, even after you find a news source you trust, don't trust it blindly.

The Search for Spiritual Truth

The journey I am on and, if you read this far, you might be on too - is a search for spiritual truth. A friend of mine has an great quote on her facebook profile where it asks about her religious views:

gave up religion for spirituality

For me I've gone back and forth. I've looked at religions and many times I've been downright atheistic in my beliefs. Now I am sure of one thing - I don't know and there is no way I can for sure. That is why I seek what spiritual truths I can find from where ever I find them. I am a qualified skeptic about dogmatic religion and the spiritual world I sometimes find sort of hokey - but I am looking. I am looking, it is - at times - scary and that's okay. It takes something to be vulnerable in a spiritual sense.

Gathering Herbs, Seeking Cures

In many ways this is an extension of the quest for scientific understanding - but it is also something more. Many discussions with my wife lately have been about her health and how western medicine isn't working for her. Sure, it has been helpful in many ways but in some it just misses the mark. Seeking cures is more than treating symptoms. In fact it is something entirely different. Western medicine attempts to break diseases down into small parts and affect it that way. This works on certain things, but misses the mark on others. Alternative medicine, often eastern medicine approaches healing differently.  Looking at the body as a whole instead of just a sum of parts. That is why it is called holistic medicine. The cures we seek, though are not down one path or the other. We must look down both paths and possibly more to find the cures we seek. We must strive to understand the body even more to understand how to heal it. Our bodies are amazing machines, it's best not to underestimate them.

Putting Bread on the Table: Hunting for Work

I feel this one. Ever since my wife quit her paying job to start homeschooling our kids I have felt it. My wife is great with managing our money, which also has me feel it because I'm under no illusions that we have any more than we actually do. This is the modern form of hunter gatherer energy in its purest form. In tribal cultures you choices were given by how to provide for your family. However it touched on more in this section. In ancient tribal cultures ( and some modern tribal cultures ) a family you provided for wasn't nuclear it was extended. How do my daily efforts provide for my community? And why do I spend so much time away from my family/community working to provide for them? These questions may not have exact answers but they can be part of a journey towards fulfilling work. I remember when Ralph Nader was running for president in 2008 and he was looking for people to work on his campaign ( both paid and volunteers ) he talked about being able to take your conscience with you to work. I think that's important, lest we drain our spiritual energy.

Going deeper though, if we create societies where people have to take jobs that drain their spiritual energy, just to survive, we do them and our communities a disservice. People have a desire to be useful, they want to contribute. First and foremost they want to survive. That is why, if we are privileged to have opportunities others don't, making a difference for the types of jobs people have access to is a very worthy cause. In dire economic times, like the ones we are in now, this is even more important. It is easy to be seduced by corporations that pollute indiscriminately, have unfair labor practices, steal from the tax payers and more when they are promising so many paying jobs. Just remember, entrepreneurs with a stake in the community and a positive approach to running a business can create better, more fulfilling jobs at less spiritual, environmental and economic cost to the community. It's a tough road to walk in times like these, but we'd do much better with a strong foundation than with jobs built on despair.

Hunting, and Listening for, the Muse

I've been a performing artist, perhaps not a great one, for most of my life. The times when I have been most prolific, most successful I have been tapping into my hunter gatherer energies. As a musician, as a wrestler, as a performer in general and most recently as a magician you have to keep looking for inspiration. It is the times when I've stopped looking for inspiration that I have often quit or at the very least hit a lull. Some times you need to fake it 'til you make it. Inspiration isn't coming to you, it is out in the wild to be found.

About 4 years ago I retired from wrestling and shelved my creative performing talents for a while. About a year ago, I decided to get into the world of magic as my new performance outlet. It has been a bumpy ride. Magic isn't easy! Then again, neither is music or wrestling but I did those. I've contemplated shelving this idea but at the same time I forced myself to stay in the world of magic. I am now my magic club's sergeant at arms and I took over for someone who didn't show up to many meetings - this kept me working. Recently I realized my problem, I wasn't performing. I wasn't performing because I'm so used to performing on stage ( or in a ring ) and my magic isn't ready for that. Thanks to some videos and articles that I have been reading lately I realized that a magical performance can be as small as one trick performed for one person. I've been performing more and my excitement is growing. I'm hot on the trail of my muse.

Searching and Learning as an End in Itself

Turning our hunter gatherer energies inward has us hunt for wisdom. How do we gain this wisdom? If any of you have read this far, do you have a degree? If you have a degree are you using it at work? Are you using it in other facets of life? In what ways are you self taught? In what ways have you learned from others, but not in an educational environment? These are important questions to ask because education in western culture has been perverted. Skills used to be taught, not by lectures but by master craftsman passing down their crafts. New skills created by experimentation, failure and perseverance. As universities and colleges sprang up they added to our ability to learn by teaching at a different level. Then public education added even more, giving the people the ability to learn some of the basics in a structured way. At some point we started to rely on these new sources of learning too much. Colleges and Universities became the only way to show you had skill in many more fields than ever before - and for many leaving college skills were not tempered with wisdom that comes from experimentation and failure. As less families had the ability for at least one elder to stay at home and help guide learning, public education became more of a surrogate for their teaching. Many other things have happened and our education system ( at least in the US ) is a shambles. We've begun teaching to tests because they are easier to measure than teaching creativity and problem solving which will help the community as a whole later in life. Parents look at teachers less as partners and more as adversaries. When parents make the ultimate commitment and home school their children society questions their ability at every turn - only because it is different than the norm for today.

What's the answer? First, we need to recognize that wisdom isn't easily tested for on paper. It is better tested for in problem solving and decision making, choices that come up in real life. We also need to remember that children can learn - a lot - given the correct stimulus. They want to learn, it is actually fun. The joy of learning is a lifelong skill that we should encourage. That way, people can learn when they are ready, not remember when they are told to. I'm reminded of a quote that was in the book Seventeen Traditions by Ralph Nader. In it, Ralph comes home from school and his dad asks, "What did you learn in school today? Did you learn how to believe or did you learn how to think?". What's the difference? That distinction is the difference between education and wisdom.

Sports: Hunter-Gatherers At Play

This should be pure hunter gatherer energy, but it is so perverted. Some sports are even the act of hunting or fishing and the energy is most often the shadow form, not the true form of of this masculine energy. Sports have been perverted because competition has become more about winning then the competition itself. I've had many arguments with my wife that revolve around this fact. How can we raise 2 boys the way we want and involve them in competitive sports. Due to many of the positive experiences I have had and the spiritual journeys I have been on as an adult I see a possibility. Competition should not be about winning but should involve the whole hearted attempt to win within the confines of the rules/game. If all participants are doing their best and pushing themselves toward the goal of winning without the requirement to win then everybody gains from the experience. Skills increase, teams get more cohesive and once the competition is over you can honor your opponent. In actual hunting and fishing this honoring of your opponent is seen in many native american traditions of thanking the animal's spirit. For other sports, actually thanking the person is a good start.

There is always the shadow though. There is always the person whose identity is so wrapped up in winning that to lose is the ultimate blow to their ego. How do we raise young men to compete with these people and still get a positive experience from it? They will still reap the benefits of being pushed to their limits in order to win. What about cheating to win? When winning is more important than the sport itself what does it cost us as a culture? Keep this in mind when we discuss the hunter gatherer energy in business ( and really all areas ).

This rather large section of this chapter also discussed the nature of the spectator in modern sports. In some ways spectators hearken back to traditional costumes and dance of tribal hunter gatherer society. It is one safe way men get to enjoy costumes, dance and storytelling ( and don't I know as a wrestler :) ). The shadow energy of spectators is when people only consume sports ( and entertainment ) without creating or being a part of sport themselves. Modern culture makes it easy to watch sports all day and play coach from your couch. This energy feeds the other shadow energy that needs to win at any cost. Keep in mind, hunter gatherers did so to provide for their tribal community and were recognized for what they provided. What are we recognizing them our athletes for and what are they providing us?

The Role of the Automobile

I felt that this section really covered a specific issue that is covered by many of the others quite well. While it makes some good points, I think our love of the automobile has been taught to us by some pretty expensive commercials.

Hunting and Hiking

Hunting should be pure, but modern hunting rarely resembles ancient hunting in any way. Hunters find most of their food at the store and if they don't succeed in hunting it doesn't keep them from eating. Technology favors the hunter nowadays. I'm not going to say that hunting still isn't dangerous or difficult but things have gotten much easier from the days of hunter gathering tribes. For some though, hunting isn't about the kill. For some hunting and fishing are excuses for getting closer to nature in an acceptable activity. How many people do you know who spend whole days fishing, don't catch anything and come home happier than before. That is why the author connected hunting with hiking. Hiking is another way that one can get closer to nature, enjoy solitude or camaraderie as they choose and enjoy the sounds, smells, sights and more of the world around them.

Business

In the modern world business is more clearly hunter gatherer energy than sports and hunting combined ( technically they are anyway ). These people use the energy and skills of a hunter gatherer to find customers, partners, advertisers and they do make an impact in their community. Because of this we recognize them for what they provide the community. We must ask if it is alway justified. In shadow energy of business that is pure greed they have learned to use our hunter gatherer instincts against us - or rather for themselves. The word need no longer means necessity and instead means it will give you status in the community and thus is collapsed with want. It is not to say that the hunt for stuff we want does not have its place, but we must make sure it is not just an addiction to stuff. [ad#Google Adsense]

Addiction

Addiction shows off the pure form of hunter gatherer shadow energy. We have already discussed in sports how some people become addicted to winning. But addiction is almost reverse hunter gatherer energy. The addicted are actually hunted by their addictions. Try as they might they must constantly be on guard against their addiction which always seems to find them. Consider a drug addict who both hides their addiction ( at least at first ) and gets their fix despite the odds. Are they the hunter or the prey and who is the victor. Luckily, any addictions I might have both don't seem very strong or very destructive - but that doesn't give me much experience to write from. Also, I haven't had to deal with addictions from the people in my life so that is a bonus as well.

Hunters For Justice: Spiritual Warriors

I've made a couple references to Ralph Nader in this post. From my vantage point and during my lifetime he is a true hunter for justice. The quote from earlier about shame and spiritual warriors, "...is it not true that authentic prophets risk shame? They too risk being expelled from the community, literally or figuratively..." made me think of him the first and subsequent times I read it. Others might see Gandhi, Jesus, Malcolm X or Martin Luther King Jr. They were all mentioned in the book and rightly so. These people weren't looking to belong to the world as it was, they already belonged to the world as it should be. In that space they felt no shame in being who they had to be to make people look at the injustices around them.

Another important distinction is the distinction between a warrior and a soldier. That distinction will be made clearer as I discuss the next metaphor which is all about spiritual warriors. Warriors go into battle, while soldiers are sent. Warriors fight because they love and soldiers fight because they are told to. How can we raise more spiritual warriors? Perhaps this will become clear during the discussion of the next metaphor.

Conclusion

In rereading this metaphor and ensuring comprehension I have gained quite a bit from this metaphor. I gained solid wisdom to speak on topics I may have felt timid to talk about before. I've gained, most likely, my longest blog post to date. I'm not sure that's a good thing but I hope many people can glean some wisdom from the words I have written here. It is my hope that by writing as much as I have and asking as many questions as I have along the way I will get more input from others on the same journey as I.

If you have gotten this far, thanks for reading. I can be long winded at times.

Awakening My Sacred Masculine - Icarus and Daedalus

This post is about the 3rd metaphor and follow up to my post about The Hidden Spirituality of Men - Ten Metaphors to Awaken the Sacred Masculine.  In that original post I said I would share my journey of reading this book.  This is another part of that journey. Icarus and Daedalus

The metaphor of Icarus and Daedalus is actually more of an anti-metaphor.  Instead of being a vision of what could be the story of Icarus and Daedalus is a lesson of what happens when sons don't  learn from a father's wisdom and a father doesn't pay enough attention to his son to understand him.  I'm simplifying of course but this lesson, this anti-metaphor is about the importance of generational wisdom.  The fathers have wisdom to teach the youth but they must also learn from the youth while letting the youth fly.

I find that learning from my young boys is easy, or rather watching them learn is.  It is amazing.  However, I often find myself stuck in my own world - my own issues - and I don't take the time to be with my kids and enjoy how they experience the world.  On the flip side, I am also someone's child as well.  I didn't see my father much growing up and I still don't see much of him.  I know that I have been on a search for some generational knowledge for a long time though.  My love of the French language and culture comes from the bit of my heritage that is easy to see - a French last name.  However there is another area of heritage from my father's side that I don't know much about.  It is the part of me that is a 1/4 native.

This metaphor actually holds a little bit of pain for me.  On the one side, I don't really know much about my heritage from my father's side.  I've dug a few things up here and there but my dad isn't much of a talker.  On the other side I'm afraid I'm becoming a non-talker for my sons as well.  When I come home from work I usually need a good amount of depressurizing before I can really focus on the family. I know from some of my other men's studies journeys that I am not alone in this though. In fact, that is probably why this metaphor came up as an anti-metaphor lesson.  It is easy to be Daedalus, but what are we going to do to give our Icarus the means to fly without melting his wings and falling into the sea.

I have had some small successes.  There have been some times since reading this chapter where I was aware enough to consciously choose to be with my kids and have a good time.  The other day my son had a birthday and one thing he got was a lego set.  He's had the the larger versions of lego in the past but this was his first actual lego set.  He was excited and started to work on them by himself but he asked me if I would help him.  I  told him, "maybe in a few minutes" then went downstairs.  I thought about how I liked legos when I was a kid but was never any good at them.  I knew I could do much better now and that the reason I wasn't that great growing up was I didn't have anyone helping me learn how to use them.  So I went upstairs and played lego with my son.  We had fun and he did a great job following the directions with only a little assistance from dear old dad.  I was very proud of him.

He has since kept going back to the lego set to build other things when he wants to do something by himself and he is very patient with them.  Anyone who has a 6 year old knows that having patience with anything is a big deal.  This metaphor may have some spiritual pain associated with it but it may also have one of the largest payoffs.

Awakening my sacred masculine - a powerful dream.

I've always approached my study of masculinity as a journey.  Many visions occur to me every time I read a men's studies book.  Some are dark and others are mysterious.  Either way these visions are powerful and often come in a dream.  Reading "The Hidden Spirituality of Men – Ten Metaphors to Awaken the Sacred Masculine" has been no different.  Last night I had a dream that I knew was part of my journey.

The dream and the conclusions I come to are related to chapters I have not discussed yet.  I will try to share enough to explain the references.

The following dream actually came on a night when I fell asleep attempting to connect with "The Blue Man" metaphor described in the book. The dream is simple - I'm in charge of an alternative school of some sort that is being shut down by someone who has sent in soldiers to apprehend me. At this point I have the thought that if I can just get in a room and close the door they won't be able to get to me. I make my way down the hall towards my office. Finally, I reached my office and closed the door. Feeling safe from the soldiers, I look out the window. All the parents and teachers are standing outside in a group. They are standing in support of the school and me. They may be singing but I don't really hear anything. At this point my wife asks me the question,"Why are they shutting down the school?" My answer was this,"because Michael Jackson is running the music department and my second in command/right hand man is a woman or maybe I should say my right hand woman is a man." (I was trying to say my second is command was a gay man).

I don't remember anything else after that. When I woke up I just knew it was an important dream. I started wondering if I needed to open up some type of school.

After my run this morning I had a chance to discuss the dream with my wife and as I did many things became clear.  This dream did not say I needed to run a school but it was full of metaphors directly related to chapters of the book I had recently read.  First, the soldiers.  There is a distinction in the chapter on Spiritual Warriors between soldiers and warriors.  Soldiers do what they are ordered to do and warriors are instead guided by their values and their hearts.  The fact that soldiers were doing what they were ordered to do but did not have the heart to break through a simple door is not suprising.  Then there is group of parents and teachers who were standing up for me and the school.  This is my community, who are a stand for me to succeed in running my school.  My school is men's studies and Daryl Joseph Ducharme studies for that matter.  Seeing my blue man, I was studying the difference I could create in the world.

Then we come to the reason's anyone would want to shut such an important school down.  First there is having Michael Jackson as the musical director.  One chapter on the body began to discuss chakras.  The first chakra, located in the tailbone ( called the sacrum which literally means sacred bone ) is about vibration.  In discussing this chakra the sub chakras in the knees and the feet were discussed.  This brought up the importance of dance in connecting with Gaia.  So many religions throughout time relate dance with the sacred.  For my generation there was none more recognized for dance than Michael.  In fact, he was in my mind throughout the discussion about dance.  What about my second in command they didn't like because he was gay?  That came directly from the chapter on numinous sexuality.  In the middle section of this long chapter the discussion revolved around the spiritual connections that homosexuals tend to have.  In fact, many native tribes revered homesexuals as spiritual leaders.  While I have never considered myself homophobic, I realized there was a part of me that was.  It was the part that decides I didn't want to do something because maybe I didn't think it was masculine enough.  By cutting myself off from these experiences I cut myself off from the sacred and the spiritual essence of my masculinity.  Well no more.  Now I will allow myself to have experiences that will have me live life.

This dream was an awesome experience.  In the past, I have had dreams related to whatever ontological journey I was currently undergoing.  Almost always they have had a very dark nature to them.  This dream, while it had a dark nature, gave me more hope than any of the dreams I have had in the past.  It inspired me.  As I delve into the chapters that this dream touched on I will discuss these references even more.  I had to get the dream down while I still remembered it.

Awakening my sacred masculine - Father Sky

This post is my first follow up to my post about The Hidden Spirituality of Men - Ten Metaphors to Awaken the Sacred Masculine.  In that previous post I said I would share my journey of reading this book.  This is part of that journey. The book itself is split up into 2 parts.  The first part, Ten Archetypes of Authentic Masculinity, covers the 10 metaphors alluded to in the book's title.  As I read this part of the book I will be making a posts related to each metaphor.  These posts won't be reviews of the chapters as much as they will be my own personal visions and conclusions gained from reading the metaphors.  At this time I have already read the sections on the first 5 metaphors so I may relate to some of the other metaphors.  This is expected, as these metaphors of masculinity are strongly linked.

Father Sky: The Cosmos Lives!

Father Sky is the partner of Mother Earth.  Religions have often placed the sky ( or heavens ) as the home to the gods.  Father sky is the air we breathe and the vacuum of space that is the universe beyond our planet's atmosphere.  Father sky is an obvious, but in modern times elusive, spiritual metaphor.

This first chapter didn't call to me as much from just reading it.  There was one suggested made in the chapter that I took, and that was to take a look at the Worldwide Telescope by Microsoft Research. This website has an tool ( both online and downloadable ) that combines images and data from telescopes around the world to give you an amazing view of space.  I spent a good chunk of time just looking around at all the different heavenly bodies available to me through this tool.

After using the worldwide telescope, I had a greater connection to father sky in the rest of my daily lives.  I recently started a running program, called Couch to 5K (C25K) out of both a desire to run and have a greater connection the The Green Man ( the 2nd metaphor ).  On my first run, I got connected more with my green man but I feel that I could finally see father sky.  I run in the mornings and the moon was still in the sky.  Instead of running with my head down, my head was up and I was aware of all the trees which reach up to connect the earth to the sky and the birds as they soar.  As I type this, I think I will pay more attention to my breathing while running as well.  After all, father sky represents all that is in the sky including the air.

This chapter also reminded me of something I remember seeing in the past.  I remember that a native tribe in Washington had been given the right to punish a teen through their own traditions.  This meant putting him, alone, on a small island for a length of time.  One of the elders was talking to him about praying.  He told him not to bow down and avert his eyes from the spirits above, instead he should look up and open his arms to father sky so that he may be connected to him.

The first metaphor, by itself did not make as big of an impression on me as some of the others already have.  However, in connecting with father sky I have gained connections that I have not had in a long time.  I once again look at the sky with awe.  The stars and the planets, the clouds and wind are all a part of me again.  In a world that tries to keep us grounded it is important to stay connected with the stars.

The next metaphor is The Green Man.  As I have already read that chapter I will be writing that one soon.  Until then, what does father sky mean to you and/or the men in your life?

The Hidden Spirituality of Men - Ten Metaphors to Awaken the Sacred Masculine

The men's movement and men's studies aren't exactly mainstream topics.  However, over the past few years I have been slowly working my way through a few books on just that.  Last Christmas I recieved 2 books. While reading the first, a lot of heavy things came up for me that lead me to take a break from reading the second.  Now I am ready, so I have recently started to read "The Hidden Spirituality of Men - Ten Metaphors to Awaken the Sacred Masculine." I first heard about this book from an article in Ode magazine ( a magazine for intelligent optimists ). What they showed was an excerpt that turns out to be from the book's forward.  I'd like to share a specific part of this book as well, in the hopes that some might join me on this journey.  By the way this excerpt is used without permission.

Why have men, to greater and lesser degrees, "hidden" their spiritual ives? The reasons are almost endless, but often each man's reasons interlock in a tight web that keeps spirituality unacknowledged and unexpressed.  Here are just a few:

• Because Western culture is still a dualistic patriarchy that values thinking over feeling, material wealth over spiritual, scientific fact over intuitive knowledge, men over women, and heterosexuals over homosexuals.
• Because men are rarely rewarded and often mocked, for openly expressing their deepest feelings of joy, sensitivity, and pain.
• Because many men carry wounds inside they would rather forget or put aside than admit are there.
• Because modern religions are out of touch with their mystical traditions, whose language and concepts help us cope with our deepest experiences, our "dark nights of the soul."
• Because often spiritual truth and understandings defy language and live in silence, and what is not lassoed by words is considered secret and kep hidden.
• Because men, who are "not supposed to cry," learn to hide their grief as well as their joy.
• Because in times of war, governments do not welcome the authentic, questioning spirituality of warriors, but want the religious obedience of soldiers.
• Because our anthropocentric culture puts more value on human life, needs, and ruls than in connecting humbly to the vast cosmos.
• Because men sometimes work so hard that they do not have time or space for exploring their hearts.
• Because, in an attempt to respect the women's movement, some men feel compelled to silence themselves and hid any "unacceptable" maleness.
• Because homophobia robs men of their capacity to relate deeply to other men.  Even men who overcome homophobia must often keep this secret in an excessively heterosexist culture.
• Because men sometimes confuse religion and spirituality, and in the process run from their own journey with Spirit.
• Because men lack rites of passage that demarcate movement from boyhood to adulthood, and such rituals that modern religions maintain, such as confirmation and bar mitzvah, fail to do the job.
• Because our culture more often rewards men for their extroverted rather than their introverted sides.
• Because there may be a hiddenness about all spirituality. What is deep is hidden, and a spiritual journey explores the "unnameable" aspects of Divinity, the Godhead behind God.
• Because many men are mystics but lack the vocabulary to name what they experience.
• Because "men learn only through ritual" ( Robert Bly ) and substantive rituals are hard to come by in modern culture.
• Because men want to hide their shame and aggression or at least hide from them.
• Because communication between boys and fathers is often cold or nonexistent in our culture, and too many elders "retire" to the golf course rather than mentor younger generations.
• Because fatherless homes offer few role models for young men to emulate.
• Because an "original sin ideology" makes men doubt their beauty and right to be here, and teachings about God as a punitive Father create a toxic, punitive role model.
• Because men don't know how -- and are not trained -- to deal with their anger and outrage in healthy ways.
• Because men, like all humans, can be lazy and will avoid the hard work of spiritual exploration if they can.
• Because cynicism, depression, and exhaustion can make soul work seem pointless or overwhelming.

I plan on sharing what I get out of reading this book in a hope that it will help others understand men and/or themselves better. However, I am not a scholarly writer so my words may not be as eloquent as those in the book. So if you want to join me on this expedition into the depths of masculinity it might be best to bring along a good book.

The most addicting App on Facebook...

I'm on facebook just about every day. I play chess, mostly with coworkers, and due to my history I also play Wrestler with some regularity. I've also tried and stopped using all the popular apps my friends play.

What I find interesting is that the most common tag line I see for facebook game application advertisements is "The Most Addicting Game On Facebook." While on some level it disgusts me that this sort of advertising works, I am intrigued by the psychology of why it works. Is it because of the nature of facebook and other social networking sites? Is it just human nature? Why is addiction something we would knowingly chase? Is it the man trying to keep us entertained so he can keep us down?

Needless to say, one can spend a lot of time analyzing this simple phrase and why it is so popular. So, in an effort to crowd source with the 1 or 2 people who come across my blog :) I leave it to the comments for discussion.

Only because I mentioned the 2 game apps I use on facebook:
My chess challenge URL is:
http://apps.facebook.com/chessfb/?page=create_game&challenge_to_id=590273940
And for those of you who wish to see the facebook incarnation of Deacon (the wrestler) may go to: http://apps.facebook.com/wrestle/Wrestlers!show.fb?id=590273940